The Burden We Must Bare
by Dancer31496
Summary: "She'd like to say she doesn't question it, day in and day out. But she does, she knows she does. Because quite frankly, how could she not?"
1. Chapter 1

She'd like to say she doesn't question it, day in and day out. But she does, she knows she does. Because quite frankly, how could she not?

How could she not question how she could have been so blind, so naive? She believed it, she really did. She really believed that she was just important enough for him not to do something like that to her. For him not to just drop off the face of the God damn earth like that. But she's now aware, she was wrong.

She questions too, why he did such a thing. Why he left.

She knows the bases, he couldn't take it, couldn't handle what he had done. It all got too much. But she knows too, there is much more to it than that. There has to be. This she knows for sure, because she knows him just that well.

Knew him just that well, she corrects herself. She can still just barely bring herself to refer to him in past tense. It breaks her heart. It hurts like hell. And it probably always will, she accepts.

Heartbreak is a bitch. A conclusion she came to many years ago.

Today is different though, she can feel it. Something has changed, is going to change.

The balance is off, something just isn't right. It feels like Gitano. She had this feeling then too. She knew that case would be different, life changing even. Her gut told her then, and it's telling her now.

But today she feels, it's not the case that's different, it's something else that's changing. Or, she thinks, maybe she's just crazy.

She tends to have thoughts that fall along those lines; from time to time now that he's gone. How ironic, she realizes, he drove her crazy when he was here, and he's still driving her crazy even now that he's gone. The bastard. She chuckles lightly to herself, over the years that became a common nick name for him. Still is. It describes him well, that she can't argue with. That she knows for sure, whether she knows him now or not.

He's foreign to her now. That she can no longer deny. It's the truth, plain and uncovered, open and willing. She hates him just a little bit more for that. It shouldn't be the truth. He should still be her partner, her best friend. He should still be at SVU, in her life. But he's not. And she knows this feeling all too well.

She never gets what she wants, not for long anyway. That's just how her life works. She had come to accept that, but she knows that somewhere deep inside of her, she always held him to a different standard. She expected him to be different, for him to be the exception. He was the one that was never supposed to walk away. Not after 12 years.

She knows now that was foolish of her to think. But it's not like she did so voluntarily. She never meant to hold him so high, it just happened. And it got all too comfortable before she could take notice, or doing anything about it. She doesn't like to change comfortable. Matter a fact; she doesn't like change at all. When she is set in her ways, she is set in her ways. The winds aren't supposed to change.

But here she is again, faced with that feeling of change. Coming right on the heels of his leaving, a year doesn't provide much repair. It's almost like all of the change is running together now. No Elliot, new detectives, David Hayden then no David Hayden, and now whatever the hell this is.

So now as she saunters into the squad room, she begins mentally preparing herself for what this day may hold. She knows it'll be big, but how big is still left to be determined. And that scares the hell out of her. Detective or not.


	2. Chapter 2

_So now as she saunters into the squad room, she begins mentally preparing herself for what this day may hold. She knows it'll be big, but how big is still left to be determined. And that scares the hell out of her. Detective or not._

"LOOK! I couldn't care less. He can just keep his happy ass right where he is until my detectives can get there! Got it!? Because I am in NO mood to play your dumbass games consoler. NO mood."

Hell. That was the only way she could think to describe this room about now. Hell.

Today it seemed, nothing good was coming out of it. Nothing. No victims helped, no crimes solved, and no specie of bastard ass freak was being put to justice today. Something was holding all those things back. Something was looming…

Apparently some arrogant bastard ass Uni decided it would be ok to try to defuse a swat situation on his own…. Granted, he got the Perp out of the apartment. But not before managing to get the Vic killed. And now Captain wanted his ass. A justified request, she thought.

What moron thinks it's Ok to do something like that? Apparently, he's out on a mission to prove people right that his generation isn't too bright. Dumbass.

So now, they were left to clean up his mess, and pacify 1PP while Captain barbecued his ass.

This day is going to be a Bitch.

After hours, and I mean hours of negotiating with 1PP to let them hand over the case to narcotics because it turned out that the Vic, aka the hostage and the Perp were in the middle of making a drug deal when all went bad. Apparently, this poor 16 year old kid, who made the wise decision that getting into drug dealing was the best way to make money, didn't quite have the cut he was supposed to. Let's just say, he was " A few bucks short". Liv was finally on her way back to the station, then home. Lord, she didn't think she was gonna make it 5 more minutes with 1PP without bitch slapping someone. She really hoped being at the top was awful damn lonely. Cause those assholes deserved it.

Now walking into the visibly empty squad room, she only heard one voice…. Cap's.

Stepping a little closer to his closed office door, she could just about make out what he was saying.

"Yeah, yeah I know. But you know that was what was best. You had to get your shit together. But, the way you went about it couldn't have been more wrong."

"Yeah well, how about a text message, a voicemail, or hell even a letter once you were out of the city? She deserved to know. And you know that."

He was on the phone with someone. But who the…. Oh dear Lord. Elliot.

No. No, no, no, no. No way in hell. Cap wouldn't do that. Go behind her back like that. Not with Elliot. Not with all that has happened since he up and fucking left. No fucking way.

"Yeah, but what you don't know, and what you couldn't see is what it did to her. I've never seen her like that Elliot. Never. 13 years, and not one time has she been this far from Liv. And you did that to her. Now, you face the consequences, the repercussions. You have to deal with what you did."

Well, so much for no fucking way. It was him. It was El...

She felt betrayed, she felt hurt, she felt pissed…. But yet, she really had no idea what she felt. Every fucking emotion had run together. No longer decipherable.

She had to get the hell out of there.

Grabbing her jacket off her chair, and her purse out of her bottom desk drawer, she was out of there and on the elevator before Captain could even speak his next line.

Apparently, this ridiculous looming feeling of change wasn't directed at her work life…. It was directed at her personal life. And quite frankly, her sanity.


	3. Chapter 3

She felt like she couldn't breathe. As if her life wasn't fucked up enough... She finds out her Captain is going behind her back and talking to the man who did nothing short of break her heart.

She was pissed.

Beyond it actually. She felt irate.

She knew there were plenty of reasons though, why Cap probably didn't tell her. To save her from more hurt, to keep her from actually losing her mind again, it was the first time he'd talk to him... Blah, blah, blah. She was still fucking pissed that he even answered the damn phone. A nice loud, and hard slam of the receiver to its cradle would have been much more appropriate, and a hell of a lot more pleasing to her.

At this point, she felt as though one of the only people she had left that she felt like she could trust had betrayed her in the ultimate way. Yeah, she knows she's over reacting. But quite frankly, she couldn't care less.

Then suddenly a thought hit her. What if this wasn't the first time he had talked to him? What if the bastard was working up the courage to come back around? No. Hell no. That was not happening. He was not just going to waltz right back in and screw her life up even more. He'd done enough damage to last her a life time. Some irreparable.

As her feet stepped off the elevator and hit the solid surface of her hallway, she gave a small, but auditable sigh. Almost home.

Making it to her door, mail in hand, she turned the key and stepped inside. Tossing the mail aside, probably just bill, and she was in no mood to deal with his persistent ass, she slumped down onto her couch. Feet up on the coffee table, even though she hated when other people did that, Elliot always did that, she flipped the TV on. Yeah, that lasted a real long time. Nothing was on, nothing was ever on. Not even on the rare occasion she had the actual time to turn her TV on. Curiosity got the best of her and rose from the couch, making her way to the counter. Seating herself on a stool, she began flipping through her mail. Bill, bill, bill, Elliot Stabler, bill... Wait, hold the fuck up. Elliot Stabler? Sure enough, addressed to her, sent from him.

The asshole actually had the nerve to send her a letter?

This bitch was going to pay. He had no right. He left, he up and walked out, not her. He cut off all communication and never revived it. Not her. Meaning, she gets to be pissed and his sorry ass can just wallow in his own self-pity. She had no desire to talk to him. Or, for that matter, hear from him.

A year later, was just too late.

Sure, she missed him. She missed him like hell. Every single day. But looking at the bigger picture, that didn't matter. He left, he hurt her, he gets to live with that. Just like Cap told him.

No matter how curious she was as to what he said, how much she wanted to see that familiar, horrible scrawl of his, no matter how much she yearned to hear that familiar dialogue of his, even if on paper, she wasn't reading this letter. She just wasn't.

Obviously he wasn't dead, so why the hell should she care.

Yes. She knows she's bitter. But quite frankly, doesn't she have every right to be? She knows it's' selfish, God only knows what he went through after he shot Jenna, what he could still be going through, but she went through shit too. Heavy, heavy shit. And she was sick and tired of staying quiet, and hurting on her own just for his benefit. Just so she could be there for him. She did that for 12 years, and that was long enough. She wasn't going to go through those steps again, convincing herself she wasn't really hurt, wasn't really pissed, that she'd be Ok, that the scars would heal, emotional or not, just for him. It was his turn to hurt alone. And this time she wasn't giving in, and dropping her own benefit out of all of it, for his sake. She was finally learning how to heal the right way. And she wasn't sacrificing that now.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Ok, so I know it took me a little while longer to get this one uploaded... But that's just because I got a little stuck on the letter. But, I hope y'all enjoy anyway. (:

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing.

"_God Liv, I don't even know what to say. All I know is I need to talk to you. I need to see you. I need you. I'm fucking lost Liv, and you're the only one who can save me. The only one who can fix me. You gotta let me back in Liv, you gotta.__"_

With a jolt, Olivia was awake. Her dream still haunting her. All she could see was black, and black, and more black. Like a deep, dark hole. And all she could hear was Elliot's voice, saying those words. Those words that she had no idea where they came from. She hadn't read the letter. She just couldn't bring herself to do so. But now, all she could hear was Elliot over and over again. Repeating the same thing... "_I'm fucking lost Liv, and you're the only one who can save me. The only one who can save me. The only one who can save me." _

They were haunting her, persistently, these words. But yet, they had no home, no start, no originating source. Elliot had never said them to her. And granted, they could read each other like books and anticipate the next move, or the next phrase to be uttered, just by looking at each other, but there was no way she could know what that letter said without reading it.

Damn it, now she's going to have to read it. She needs to know. Because otherwise, she's just going to peg it up to going crazy. And she'd prefer not to lose her sanity.

She stumbles up from her bed, making her way to her kitchen counter. The letter remained, in the exact same spot she had left it last night. She had considered throwing it out. But she was just too exhausted then to make a decision, a wise one at least. After all, she was Olivia Benson; she did not make rash decisions. She stops, she evaluates, she considers, and then after all has been examined and taken into account, she makes a decision. Some call it strange; she calls it part of being a damn good Detective.

Opening the envelope, she slid the letter out, and then froze. She had to prepare herself; she had no idea what this letter could contain. It could change so much, it could change everything.

Unfolding it, her breath hitched in her throat. There staring straight back at her, his familiar writing. She swears she's seen this handwriting a million times, but somehow tonight, it looks different. Yet the same.

It's now, in the earliest hours before dawn, reading this letter, that all of her past actions, reprocusions, and regrets come crashing down on her. She can almost vividly remember all of the times she told Elliot to "Fuck off", or to "Go to hell". She regrets them all now. Yet, she doesn't. She knows that everything that happened in the past molded them to what they are now. Or, what they used to be at least. Before Jenna, before innocent lives all over that squad room were taken, before despair and regret and sadness set in. She does however, know that she wouldn't be regretting all those times she lost her very tightly wound temper with him right now, if he wouldn't be gone. She knows they aren't the reason he's gone. Not the entire reason anyway. But, she still feels like they are just one more wrong doing to add to their history. Their history that can't be changed, and can't be repaired. She knows she's only feeling this way because it's too little, too late. And that hurts. She figures it must hurt him too. Another reason that prompts her to unfold the letter and begin to bear witness to what he said…..

"_Liv. I…. Well hell, I don't even know what the fuck to say. God, I'm an asshole. I know it. I do. I'm writing you a letter. A fucking letter, after 12 years and that's all the better I can do. I'm a coward. Yeah, I'm that now too. It's been a long time. Too long, most likely. And that's Ok; I don't blame you for that being your consideration. But I need to talk to you, Liv. I need you, I need my partner." _Well, there went her breath, his partner. A year after his departure, and still his partner. "_I need to hear your voice, to see your face. To know that you're Ok, that your still breathing. That everything that happened didn't tear you apart. I need you, Liv. You probably consider me ridiculous about now. That's Ok too, because so do I. But, I had to go. I had to. And I don't mean right after Jenna, I don't mean leaving SVU. Of course I was going then, of course I was leaving. I had to leave SVU. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take what I had done. I shot a child. A child__,__ Liv. I had a daughter much too close to her age. I couldn't separate myself, and you and I both know what that does to a person in this job. Not to mention IAB was doing nothing short of breathing down my neck. Well, more like wrapping their boney little fingers around my neck and squeezing. I was just easier to leave; at least I could keep my dignity in the public eye. Even if not in my eyes. But, I had to leave then too. After I left SVU, after all happened with Jenna. Even after all the dust mostly settled, and I could have made my first attempts at leading a normal life. I had to get somewhere and get my shit, and my head together. I couldn't keep fucking up lives. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk casualties. My children, my wife. Hell, even you. I couldn't fuck up your life like that Liv. I've already done so much damage over the years, I just couldn't do anymore. I just couldn't do it again." _She would let him fuck it up all over again, just to have him back in it. She knew he knew that. "_You didn't deserve that. God, you deserved better, so much better. I'm sorry I couldn't give that to you. I fucked it up. And it's not fair. It's not fair to you, to the squad, to my wife, my children. Hell, I'd say it's not even fair to me, but I don't know how much of a right I __have__ to be selfish about now. I think I've used that right up. Used it up dry, for all it's worth. But you, you deserve the right to be selfish. But I know you Liv, and you're not. You might be pissed, but deep down, subconsciously somewhere, you're worrying more about me, and where I am and how I am, than being selfish. That's just the way you get Liv." _Trying to tolerate just how well he still knew her, even after a year, was getting increasingly fucking difficult. "_And I'm sorry for that too. If I knew how to really change that, I would. But then again, worrying about someone else before you even consider yourself, is not only what makes you a damn good cop, it's one of the things that makes you a damn good person. You don't deserve the shit I did to you, Liv. But you have to know…. Leaving, it's what was right. I should have just done so a little differently. I need to see you Liv. Or at least hear from you. Even just a phone call will do. I'd ask for a letter back, but I know you don't do this kind of crap. Just…. Call me. Please, Liv._

_Semper FI, El."_

There it was again, Semper FI. This time, she didn't even try to hold it in, she let the tears flow. She cried for her partner, for herself, for their lives and what they used to have, and she cried for her decision. The one she now had to make. Because, she didn't have a fucking clue what to do, and that not only confused her, but it pissed her off. So as she sat at her kitchen counter, holding what was left of her partner, and of herself, she cried. Some tears were sorrow, some were anger, but mostly they were just plain tears. She couldn't explain them, other than "Elliot tears". She had cried these tears before, they were no strangers. So for now, she would wallow, not too much, but just enough. And tomorrow, she would make her decision.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I know, I know. This took me FOREVER to update. Well, forever for me anyway. My bad. I don't really have an excuse for the end of summer; I just got lazy and unmotivated. But, then school started and I didn't even have time to think my own thoughts that weren't fueled by or influenced by something to do with school work, let alone have the time to actually sit down and write something. So, forgive? Please? *Insert puppy dog face here*. And I promise, I'm working on my other stories, they should be updated soon too. Anyway, I beg for mercy, and I give you this chapter. It's kind of short…. I know. Think of it as a base chapter of sorts. Well, another one. This is it though. I promise. The good stuff, conversations, lots of dialog, raging emotions, some being let free, all comes in the next chapter. So, you know what to do. R&R and Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Trust me, if I did, things would be VERY different. Then again, I probably wouldn't even know what to do with it if I did have it. I wouldn't be able to make up my mind. I'm indecisive like that.

4:30 a.m., and sleep was successfully avoiding her. The rat bastard. It had been hours since she read the letter, but yet it still haunted her. Still pissed her off, still made her feel like breaking down and crying every single tear she could find in her, again. It still made her smile, because he was still trying to put her first, and worrying about him own self later. She knew he'd done so since the begging. Even when he left, even after Jenna, it never changed. And maybe it started because she was his partner, and not his partner in their definition, but your standard issue, well as standard issue as an NYPD Special Victims Unit Det. could get, partner. Not someone you were this close with, not someone you had this kind of connection with. Not someone you loved the way they do now. Or, well did then. Or maybe, they were always this way. Destined for what they ended up with, destined to be this close, to care this much, to be this connected, to... Love each other this much. So maybe, it was natural. Maybe it never developed, maybe it was always there. God, she didn't know. And she didn't know if she really wanted to know. She did know though, that she really, really wanted to sleep. She was to be up at 6, and into the precinct by 8. Ok, on Olivia time, 7:30 at the latest. She never really did learn how to show up on time, not consistently anyway. She was always early. And from the first day, Elliot had always found a way to complain. Always. She kind of missed that. Sure, Fin teased her, and Munch messed with her, sometimes even a light jolt from captain... But it just wasn't the same. A lot wasn't the same anymore. That was contributing even more to her consideration of calling Elliot. She knew she wanted to. She knew she really wanted to. She just didn't know if she could.

7:28 on the dot, and she was two blocks and one corner from the precinct. Otherwise known as, two minutes from her desk. And 3 from another cup of morning coffee. No matter how awful Munch's coffee skills were, she just didn't feel like stopping for some. She felt like if she stopped, she'd never regain the momentum to get going again. Rounding the corner, she stopped. "Elliot..." she breathed, almost silently. He was there. He was right there in front of her, outside the precinct, talking to her captain. She felt the breath being sucked right out of her. She had to go, she had to get away. He hadn't seen her, and she still had a half an hour till she had to be at work, she still had time, maybe she'd get that coffee after all. She could be on time for once, she thought. Turning, she marched her way back around the corner and in the direction of the coffee shop. THEIR coffee shop, mind you. Ironic at its best, she thought.

8:05, and she had successfully made it into the precinct, to her desk, without any more Elliot sightings, and was now enjoying her 3rd cup of coffee. Munch's monstrosity of course. But, all the same. She felt stupid. Like a teenager trying desperately to avoid her ex-boyfriend in the hallways at school. She knew though, she was only avoiding him because she hadn't made her decision yet. She couldn't face a conversation with him undecided. It felt weird. She was never one to take long to make a decision. But with Elliot, things were always different. She still couldn't fathom what the hell he was doing here. Well, she had an idea. She didn't like it though.

10 hours later, and her day was done. Heading down stairs, she made the decision she'd walk a little, not all the way home, but just a little. She needed some fresh air, to clear her mind. But truthfully, who the hell was she kidding, she wasn't getting any "fresh" air, this was New York. Fresh air didn't exist here. As she walked though, she felt lighter, somehow less... Stressed? She wasn't sure, something just felt different. And then it hit her, she had made her decision. Turning on her heels, she made the 4 blocks back to the precinct. Once there, she made a pretty impressive march, fueled solely on adrenaline, to her Captain's office. But once she was there, standing outside his door, all the adrenaline slipped away. Of course it did, she thought, convenient. Now, she would have to run purely on want. Taking a deep breath, she turned the knob, and opened the door. And no, she didn't knock, she was Olivia, practically his daughter for Christ sakes, and she was on a mission goddamn it. Apparently though, she had opened the door with such urgency and force, her Captain rose quickly out of his chair, and stood alarmed. Ready to jump into action for whatever may be wrong with his detective.

"Liv?! What's wrong? What's going on?" He asked.

She slowed, then stilled. And softened her demeanor, not by much, but just enough because only seconds later, he settled back into his seat. She liked that he knew her that well. "I need something. And I'm pretty damn sure I'm not taking No for an answer." She said.

"Would never expect you to." He stated. "What can I get for you?"

She shifted, pausing for only a mere millisecond to take a breath, and the said "His home address."


	6. Chapter 6

Her Captain didn't have to ask; he knew who she was talking about. Of course he knew whoshe was talking about. The man could read her like a book, and interpret her mind. "You sure, Liv?" He asked. That pissed her off. She knew it was only because he cared, but she didn't have time for this shit today.

"Yes." Simple enough words, but a big enough statement to blow the entire city of New York away.

"Fine." Last words he spoke. Next thing she knew he was handing her a piece of paper with an address on it. His address on it. She sucked in a shaky breath, set her shoulders, turned, and walked out. She was on a mission, and she'd be damned if it didn't get completed.

As she made her way around the corner, she stopped and took a breath. This was it, her last chance to bail without looking like a complete moron. Though, she was pretty sure she was gonna end up looking like one anyway. Elliot seemed to have that effect on her. As she climbed the stairs her heart began to race. Sure, it's raced faster, Gitano, Harris, Captain's office on that fateful day that her partnership officially ended, but this felt different. More irate, almost as if she couldn't stop it, that there was no way to control it. She felt like she was going to pass out. Or throw up, at the least. Raising her fist to knock, the past 12 years of them, came flying back... _"I'm your partner, for better or worse." _

_"Blink your lights when you get inside." _

_"Your just gonna sit out here all night until I do, aren't you? You stubborn son of a bitch."_

_"Yeah, I am." _That one made her smile.

"_I broke a rule, Elliot. A personal one. And now he wants to see me again."_

"_Can you blame him?" _A charmer, even then.

"_I sure as hell wouldn't drive to queens to save your ass_." Still smiling. Because yeah, she would. Of course she would.

"_I always carry at least a pair of earrings in my purse."_

"_Yeah, like you carry a purse."_

"_That's cause you carry it for me."_

_"If that sniper wouldn't have beaten you to it... I know you would have taken the shot, Olivia."_ No, she wouldn't have.

_"What about me?" _ She is going to lose it, right here, on this porch, the entire fucking amount of composer she has left.

_"You and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't wanna wreck that. __**I couldn't take it.**__" _That line killed her then, and it still kills her now. She knew she meant something to him, but she never realized until that day, just how much.

_"Kathy's pregnant." _That one still felt like a fresh thrust to the gut.

_"What are you doing here?" _

_"I work here." _Smiling again.

_"Loves a bitch." _

_"Tell me about it." _

_"You know, we've been partners all these years, I don't even know your blood type." _

_"A-positive." _

_"How about that? Me too." _

_"__**I'd give you a kidney.**__" _She knew he meant that. Probably still did.

"_**Not if I gave you mine first.**__"_ She still meant it too.

_"This is my wife Olivia." _ She doesn't know why that one comes back to her... But it makes her smile. That's a good thing, she supposes.

Just as her mind clears, the door swings open. "Olivia..." A full on whisper and her full name. He's shocked, floored actually, and she knows it.

Maybe she should have called.

No.

That wasn't enough.

She knew that. She really had to stop reasoning with herself.

She didn't know what to say now. The look on his face was saying so much, she felt like if she said anything, she would be talked over. That look making the boldest statement on this porch tonight.

Now SHE was shocked. Okay, maybe that's exaggerating. But it served the purpose.

"Elliot." She breathed. Literally, because apparently she had been holding a breath, and was none the wiser until now. "I would have written a letter, but I don't do that kind of crap" She said." And a phone call, Jesus Elliot, a phone call just didn't seem like enough. No matter how irately pissed I am."

"Irately?"

"Yeah Elliot. Look, are we just gonna stand here all night or are you gonna invite me in so I can scream at you."

He nodded. She followed.

Standing in his apartment, she had just proceeded to tell him that he was a coward and that yes; she did find him to be ridiculous about now, when he said "I'm sorry Liv. God, I'm so fucking sorry. I mean, I feel like a goddamn reject, but I didn't want to really bother you by just showing back up. If you were truly happy in your life, I couldn't stand the thought of ruining that. Again. I felt like a letter might make less of an impact. I never really expected a reply back. You have all the right in the world to act like I don't even exist."

Her turn now. "The fact that you thought I could be truly happy without my best friend and that I could act like you don't even exist…. Is fucking ridiculous, Elliot. But then again, apparently you could act like I didn't even exist. I mean, do you have any idea how much I needed YOU?! How much I wanted to hear YOUR voice, to see YOUR face?! How much I needed to talk to YOU?!"

"Your hairs longer." Apparently, he was no longer interested in the subject.

His statement didn't faze her though, she continued. "How much I needed MY partner?! How much I needed to know that YOU were Ok, to know that YOU were still breathing?! How much I needed to know that everything that happened didn't tear YOU apart?!"

"You always talked about growing it out." His little tangent that he decided to break off on to, was really starting to piss her off now.

"God you're such an idiot."

"I'm glad you did." He said as he brought his left hand up to her face, and smoothed it back down over her hair, playing slightly with the ends.

"Jackass." She mumbled almost under breath. Almost. Then again, she didn't really try that hard. She couldn't, at this point. She could barely breathe. His hand now resting on her shoulder, was doing nothing short of starving her for air.

"I like it, a lot. It suits you Liv. Badass, but still gorgeous, almost like it's…."

"Elliot!" She screamed, cutting him off. She couldn't take it anymore. He stopped talking then. She was grateful.

She needed her breath, and she needed to really talk to him. She couldn't let this distract her. Too much was at stake.

Continuing she shrugged his hand off her shoulder, and looked him straight in the eye….

"You broke my heart, Elliot. And you didn't even fucking care. You walked away. You just walked out. You tossed out the last twelve years like not only did they not matter, but they didn't even happen. You made me feel worthless. You were the one person who wasn't supposed to do that. But I guess that's my fault. I raised you to that high of a standard, I should have expected to be let down. I thought you cared more than that though, Elliot. I thought you were a better man than that. I really did. But apparently, my intuitions failed me. Because I couldn't have been more wrong."

As the seconds passed, her mind kept spinning. And just as he opened his mouth to speak, so did she.

"And yes, I know I shouldn't assume. I should have given you the opportunity to explain before I formed all these opinions. But Elliot, it's pretty damn hard to think straight when your best friend, your partner, your world, your goddamn everything, the only one who matters…. Abandons you."

She could see that one struck him hard. But she had to say it.

"God Liv, I…." He said, his breath catching in his throat. Shaking his head, he ran his hand up over his face, the top of his head skimming his cropped hair, and then down the back of his neck. Stabler signature, she thought. Then before she could even blink, his hands were on her hips, and his mouth was next to her ear "I am so, SO sorry Liv. And I know that's not enough. But I don't know how the hell to fix this… All I do know is, I love you."

To say she was floored, would be an understatement. Turning his head slightly, he pressed his cheek against hers, and let out a breath. Goose bumps rose on her skin, and a fire ignited in her. Placing her hands on his hips, she turned his body just enough, to give him opportunity. Not even seconds later, his lips were on hers, and her heart was in her throat.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Again, sorry about the wait. But school is just insane. I know, excuses, excuses. But anyway, Chapter 7! You know what to do. :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own words.

His hands landed firmly on her hips, and his breath grew hotter every second.

And she felt like she was choking, she felt like she was drowning, she felt like there was a goddamn elephant sitting on her chest and she couldn't breathe. She knew why. She did. She damn well didn't want to admit it though. Something that has been haunting her dreams for the last 13 going on 14 years, was now happening. She didn't know how she even had the ability to think, let alone panic. But she was, she has having a mother fucking panic attack. Because you know, there's no better time than when your partner for 12 years, the man you've had these ridiculous unexplained feelings for, for over a decade of your life, is practically jumping your freaking bones right here in his living room.

She knew they had to stop. Because eventually she was going to run out of built up oxygen, and that would surely be an awkward encounter that they really couldn't afford.

Pushing slightly on his chest, where her hands had just landed seconds before when she felt her throat start to close, she broke her lips from his and took a step back.

He could tell though. He could tell that she wasn't just out of air, and in desperate need of supply, but that something was wrong. Very wrong. She could see it in his eyes, everything he was felling. Panic, worry, dread, disappointment. She knew he could see she was flipping, and so she waited for his first words. Because at this point, she was doing good to breathe.

But he didn't speak. He just sat her down on his couch, and pushed slightly on her upper back, causing her to hunch just enough that she managed to get her head slightly between her legs, and she could at least start to regain her breath again.

God, he knew her too well. Almost 2 years apart, and he still knew exactly what to do when she went all spastic on him.

"I'm sorry." He says, barely seconds later. Once he sees that she's at least breathing again, even if just a little bit.

"You've been saying that a lot."

"I can't say it enough."

"The hell you sorry for this time?" she asked, as she caught wind of a shorter breath this time, and choked slightly, even though she knew.

"I know better. I know you. It was too much, and it was all my fault. I'm a moron."

"You know, you really gotta stop calling yourself names. It's not scoring you any brownie points." She said. The smallest, minute smile appearing on her lips, just to disappear not even seconds later.

"I know. I know you hate that. But you know I'm just screwed up enough to believe that it might actually fix something."

"Yeah well, think again." At this point, she had managed to sit up almost straight, but her arms were still wrapped protectively around her midsection.

"I don't know what to do, Liv. Tell me what to do." He pleaded, turning his head to face her.

She turned her head to him for the first time since she sat down, and studied his face. Not for too long, but for just long enough.

"I don't know Elliot. I don't fucking know. I don't know where we go from here. But we gotta go somewhere, cause this is killing me El."

Turning her head away, but she saw that, she certainly didn't miss it. A small smirk spread across his face, only for a second, when she dropped his nickname. Dropped it for the first time since she got here.

She wanted to smile back, she really did. But right about now, she had lost all ability to do anything but stare. Stare straight in front of her at his not even on TV.

"I wanna have an explanation. Or, at least a good one that's even worthy of being told to you. But I don't. I've got this piss poor piece of crap that does nothing but highlight how shitty I was to you."

"Give it to me anyway, El. I'll take just about anything thing right now. I feel like I've lost the closest thing I ever had, and probably will ever have to family, and I just need to know why." She told him.

"I wasn't strong enough." He said. "I wasn't strong enough to say goodbye. The moment I would have seen the hurt and disappointment in your eyes, or heard it in your voice, I would have turned right back around, and gave up everything I decided. Because you're the one thing Liv. The one thing that can make me stay. I'll always come for you. Always. Nothing would ever change that, but staying... Staying would have been worse than leaving. I was caught though Liv, caught in the middle of this never ending circle. I knew I had to go, and I knew you deserved a goodbye more than anything, but I knew I if I said goodbye, if I even left you a frickin message, I would have chickened out. The thought of losing you was enough, but actually seeing it become a reality, and being close enough to stop it, would have sent me over the edge. I left Liv, I left 2 days after it happened. I went to this stupid little dingy hotel in Connecticut, and I hid out. I drove back to fucking New York just to hand in my damn papers, and then I left again. This time further though, Virginia. Stayed with a Marine buddy. But it sucked. It really sucked, Liv. You have no idea how much I missed you. Day in and day out. But I didn't feel like I was even worthy of being your partner anymore, hell I never felt like I was worthy of being your partner, but I thought maybe, just maybe God was rewarding me for something good I did along the way. But I knew Liv, you were better off without me then. I was such a mess, It wasn't fair to make you clean it up, again. I felt like I failed you. And all I could do was wrong. There was just no good left in me."

"But that's the thing Elliot" she said, "You left, for me. You left because you knew you'd do nothing but hurt me here. You left to spare me even more despair, even more devastation when I couldn't fix you. That's good Elliot, that's good."

"You're a better man than you seem to think you are anymore." She said after seconds passed.

"I'm better because you're here, Olivia. Because I'm sitting next to you. Otherwise, I'm a poor excuse of a man. But with you here Liv, I feel like I could take on the world. How do you think I fought this goddamn city, and all these goddamn sick bastards without losing my sanity for 12 years? So many times, before you, I felt like I could just walk out and quit. Even before SVU. But of course, I couldn't. I had no choice but to stay. But when you came along, I felt like I was choosing to stay because I wanted to, not because I had 4 kids and a wife at home. You anchored me, Liv."

"I'm an Aunt." She says.

"What?" Startled, the best way she could describe him at the moment.

"I'm an Aunt. Simon, he has a little girl. Well, and a step son too, but a little girl. He named her after me. Olivia. Olivia Marsden."

"She look like you?"

"Kinda. She's just so gorgeous though, these adorable brown, bouncy curls."

"Occupational hazard Liv. She looks like you; she's bound to be gorgeous with those adorable brown, bouncy curls."

"Flattery will get you nowhere my friend." She says, a smile spreading across her face.

They both laughed at that one. And it feels good, it feels good to laugh. It feels good to laugh together.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: I know, been FOREVER. SO, SO, SO, SO sorry. Ok, first things first. My computer crashes a few weeks ago. Horrible, I know. So not only am I without a computer for a few days, but I also fall WAY behind in school work. Thanks a lot Toshiba, I don't think you could have been any slower in the fixing my baby process. Anyway, took me awhile to catch up, but eventually I did. Yay me. But then, Sandy hit. Fortunately I live in Ohio, so I wasn't too badly hit. A little tiny bit of snow, and lots of wind and rain. But due to her horrible wrath, we lost our Internet connection. Out for about four to five days. Yeah, took the cable company that long to fix it. This in turn meant, I had to spend another day catching up on school work due to that. So here I am, at the end of this impossibly long rant, begging once again for mercy. This chapter is short, I know. But I promise the next one WILL be longer. And if it's not, you can come kick down my door and I will happily oblige to any torture you put me through. Oh and side note, not exactly sure on the whole Yankees/Mets thing with them, ya know who's a fan of who, and I figure over 12 seasons it was probably mentioned once or twice, but this is my memory failing me and me being just too lazy to research it. So sorry for any mistakes.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is my own unfortunate situation timing and my own extreme procrastination.

3 weeks. That's how long it's been since she talked to him. She stayed that night. All night, on his couch, with him. They sat for hours, and hours just talking. She didn't cry though, and she was pretty proud of herself for that one. But he did, twice. She could almost feel the hurt radiating off of him. And it pained her beyond belief. So she decided that if the topic came up, they could talk of that night and the many awful and painful ones since then. But she was not going to deliberately bring it up again. She needed time with him to smile. Time to see those adorable lines next to his eyes crinkle up. To see his eyes get even impossibly bluer when he spoke of his kids. She needed to see that happy side of Elliot Stabler that not many got to see, that she rarely ever laid witness to.

He held her hand, middle of the conversation about the Yanks and their insanely fantastic season, and how in her opinion, they were going down. Just grabbed it and held tight. She didn't mind though, it felt good. Made her smile even more, and she needed that. They talked about Kathy and David Hayden. She smiled at the fact that now he and Kathy were getting along, civil even and getting better each day. They were still married though. She didn't know how to feel about that one. And he made this face like he thought he was going to explode when she spoke of David. It was pretty cute though. Not a word she often uses for Elliot Stabler, but a fitting one no the less.

She remembers lying down on opposite ends of the couch from each other, and him sticking his disgustingly vile feet in her face. She told him that there was absolutely no excuse for him to still have cop feet, and he told her "Once a cop, always a cop." She laughed, hard. She wasn't sure why it was so funny, but then on that night, it was hysterical. She faintly remembers him whispering something to her right before she fell asleep. Possibly along the lines of "God I missed you Liv. Don't even leave me again." This, if you ask her, makes zero sense. But yet it does. He left her, but she completely understands exactly what he means. And why he used her in place of him own self. After all these years, and the connection is still there. She's beginning to think it might never fade away, and that she's thankful for.

But now, it's been weeks, and no word from him. But then again, she hasn't called him either. She doesn't know why, she just hasn't. She's begging to believe that maybe all she need was that one night. Her closer. That maybe she will be just fine without him, that maybe he was just a time in her life, and not something permanent. That maybe, they were never meant to know each other forever. Maybe all they were, and ever meant to be, was passing through. Almost 13 years' worth. She knows she'll forever love him. After all, the man was her best friend. But maybe this is it. Now that she has her closer, she can move on with her life. Without Elliot.

AN #2: Ok, or maybe she's just reading WAY too much into this and he'll call her tomorrow? I don't know. But by the next chapter I will. Keep reading to find out? Oh, I hope so. R&R my lovelies, very much appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

She's been home two hours. Two fucking hours, on this, the one day she has had off in two weeks without a call in…. And some moron was at her door. Needless to say, she was pissed

On top of the non-stop parade of sickness she's been lucky enough to be a part of for the last two weeks; she's been up for 36 hours straight on this last one. Not even the cribs could offer as a solace, so she finally sulked home merely two hours ago, leaving her paper work for, fingers crossed, Monday. God, her life was hell sometimes.

Moving from her bed, she made her way to her front door, swinging it open, only to be met face to face with non-other than Elliot Stabler. She asked who it was, twice, on her way to the door but no answer. So gun in hand, safety off, she took the chance and swung it open. Only to feel like she couldn't shoot someone if she wanted to, because she was just too damn surprised. She really should have looked through the peephole though, hindsight.

"You know, there's this great thing called a phone, try it some time." She tells him as she turns around, flicks the safety back on, sets her gun on the counter, and moves back into her apartment, as he shuts the door and follows.

"Sorry. Figured I'd surprise you."

"I don't like surprises."

"Right."

"Forget that much about me already Stabler, it's not even been two years. Getting old?" She teases.

"Funny." He replies.

"Figured I'd come over," he says, holding up a 6 pack of beer "And we could watch the game."

"What time is it?" She asks

"3:30." he tells her, glancing down at his watch.

"In the afternoon?" She asks, he nods.

"Whoa." She says, and he gives her a questioning look as they move to sit down on the couch. "Work." She answers.

"Oh." He says, adding "How long?"

"36 hours."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

They watched the game, and they laughed. But not in the way they laughed in their previous visit, but real, un-pained laughs. They were comfortable, it almost felt like them. Like whom they used to be. It felt unexplainably amazing. But after the game, after all the yelling at the TV, after all the laughing, explanation set in. They were sitting there on her couch engrossed in another game, or so she thought, when he decided to speak.

"I ended up at confession."

"What?" She looks over to him, and this is when she notices he's staring off into space, his eyes fixed on her wall in front of him.

"After I left. That night. I couldn't go home, and I couldn't come here, and I just needed somewhere to go. So, before I knew it, I'd ended up at confession."

She didn't think they were still talking about this, not after that night, nearly a month ago. Not after she showed up on his door step and he explained everything he could to her.

"El, you don't have to say any more about th.…"

But she never got to finish, because his voice came in interrupting.

"Liv. I…. I need to."

That was all he had to say. She got it now, and she wasn't about to stop him. He needed her. So a simple nod was given, and he continued.

"When I got there, and I realized where I was, I went in with the intention of only speaking of Jenna. But it went so much further than that." He tells her, shaking his head back and forth. But when he looks up at her, confusion is written all over his face. And she knows why.

The expression on her face couldn't be anything other than shock. And maybe a little bit of pride. He just called her by name, without wincing.

"What? What I'd say?" He sounded pretty panicked, and her expression couldn't be helping.

"You called her by name. Jenna. Without wincing." She tells him.

"I'm healing." He says, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm glad. Really glad." She says, giving him a small, but proud smile.

He chuckles slightly and returns the smile, then asks "What's that look?"

"I'm just… I'm just proud of you El. You're healing, and you're not resisting it or anything that comes with it. And you seem to be putting everything back together again, and I'm just…." Trailing off, he finishes her sentence for her.

"Proud." She nods. "You're fucking amazing, Liv. You really are."

She gives him a questioning look so he continues. "After everything, after all of this, you still have the ability to be invested enough in what's happening with other people, and you're still selfless enough, even though you have all the right in the world not to be, to be proud of me." He lets out a breathy laugh and shaking his head again, he turns and smiles at her. "And you wonder why I fell in love with you."

Eyebrows raised, she turns to face him, shifting so her elbow was propped up on the top of the couch, and her head leaning into her hand.

She couldn't wait to watch him try to get himself out of this one.

"I…" He starts, looking as if he was just busted with his hand in the cookie jar, with absolutely no explanation, "Just backed myself into a corner with no way out." He finishes, shaking his head and frowning slightly.

"Oh, please try though. Please do, I could use the entertainment." She tells him chuckling slightly.

"Hey, no making fun of a man who just wrote his own death sentence." And now, he laughs slightly too.

God she wants to scold him. But when he laughs like that, and that damn thousand watt smile lights up his face, she just… Can't. She doesn't have the damn will power anymore.

Damn him. "You know, it might have been nice to not have had to find out this way…" She says, giving him a pondering look.

And he knows she's messing with him, but he walks right into it anyway. "What, would have a formally written letter worked better?"

"Yeah, yeah. That would have worked." She can't help it now, she's full on laughing. And so is he.

Her heart still feels like it's about to fall right out of her chest, like it's holding on by the smallest of arteries, but it just feels so light hearted that it doesn't matter. Neither of them are being serious or freaking out, so it feels like if it does drop, it won't do too much damage on its way down, or upon its landing.

"I'm sorry though. I really shouldn't have said it like that. I didn't even realize it was coming out of my mouth until it already had."

"El, it's alright. I get it."

"Yeah?" He asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah." She tells him.

"I don't need to go ahead and call a bus in advance?"

"Well…"

"Liv!"

"Oh shut up, you know you love me anyway." She says, a smirk coming over her face.

"That was low. REAL low." He says. But she can still see him smiling.

"Oh shut up, Stabler." She can't help but smile, and blush a little. Then she notices he's giving her a look.

"What?" She says, laughing nervously.

"You're beautiful when you smile." He says, nonchalantly.

And now she's pretty sure her heart HAS dropped right out of her chest. He's gonna end up killing her.

"El…"

"Liv, look. I'm…"

"Still married." She cuts him off.

"What?"

"You're still married El, and I don't know how comfortable I am with you saying that kind of stuff right now. Not when you still have a wife."

He takes in a breath, and all she just said. And his face shows understanding.

"Right, right. Sorry."

"Don't apologize. Just…"

"Watch what I do say before I do have to call that bus?" He finished for her.

"Yeah, yeah. Watch it Stabler."

"Oh, feisty." He says, giving her a smile that she's pretty sure is flirty, but she doesn't say anything. It's not like he hasn't done it before.

"Always have been." She says.

"Damn straight." He replies, shifting in his seat, and suddenly seeming a hell of a lot closer to her.

That better not have been intentional. She will kick his ass right off this couch. Literally.

She notices now, how goddamn hot he looks in that t-shirt. Plain white, but it still seems to send her hormones in a damn frenzy. And sweet lord those jeans, she swears she was two seconds from jumping his bones when he turned around to shut her door and she caught a glimpse of that damn unholy ass….

She looks up from the southern direction her gaze has seemingly wondered, only to meet eye to eye with him. Swallowing hard, she tries to keep her focus on the fact that he's still married. About that time, he speaks…

"You know, it finalized a week ago."

Apparently he's showing off his damn mind reading skills again. She wants to scream at him with all she has, but suddenly she has lost all ability to speak. So she just swallows hard again, and gives him a shaky but questioning look.

"I didn't want to tell you because…. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea when I showed up on your doorstep today. I didn't want you to think I had ulterior motives. That's why I hadn't called after you showed up. That's why I dropped off the face of the earth again for a month. I was dealing with all that shit finalizing."

Taking it all in, her train of thought suddenly stops… Wait a second, if it just finalized a week ago, that means when she came to him a month ago it was in the process. He lied. The hell? About that time, she can tell she's starting to look all panicky, because she's getting all panicky. And then him and his bastard "I can read your face like a book" self-starts speaking again. Explaining.

"I lied to you. I know. And that probably just hit you and you probably feel like decking me. But just hear me out. I figured if I told you about it, if I didn't lie, karma would fucking kick in for all the shit I've done over the years or something and something would happen. It would get delayed or Kathy would change her mind or something, and I was just trying to get it over with as smoothly as possible. It's not any easy process. Especially when you have five kids together. I'm sorry Liv, I really am. I just didn't want to screw this shit up, or drag you into something you shouldn't have to be a part of."

She didn't know what to say. She got it, she really did. And she wasn't mad, she understood. But she still just didn't know what to say.

"You're pissed. Damn it, I knew you would be. I knew I should have told you I just…"

"El!" She interrupted him and his little rushed and desperate rant. She really wasn't mad.

"Take a breath. It's alright. I'm not mad."

He looked so damn relieved, she just had to smile. He just looked so cute.

"Really?" He asks.

"Really."

"Oh thank God." He says, running a hand up over his face and letting out a breath, "I've felt like such a serious ass-hat this entire time for not telling you. "

All she has to do is smile at him, and he suddenly looks like the entire weight of the world is lifted of his shoulders. It's nice.

She looks up, and into his eyes again, and then suddenly he's moving and she's not breathing and then his goddamn lips are on hers and she swears she's about to pass the fuck out. But then his left hand finds her left hip, and those damn hormones kick in again. And suddenly she's kissing him back and she has no idea what the fuck she's doing, but God does she know it feels good. And she knows she can't even begin to explain how much she shouldn't be doing this right now, and she knows she'll pay for this, but she doesn't care. She just doesn't care. Because she does know now though, that her little theory about moving on with her life without Elliot, is shit.

AN: Ok, so he didn't call her the next day. But he did show up on her door step with a damn six pack of beer looking all hot in his white t-shirt and unholy ass flattering jeans. So, that makes up for that missing phone call right? Right? Pretty please? Ok, anyway. Review my dears, much appreciated.


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